BOSTON—According to data gathered during the 2010 census, the Honan-Allston branch of the Boston Public Library has a homeless population large enough to justify becoming Massachusetts’ 11th congressional district, the U.S. Census Bureau announced Tuesday. “In addition to the destitute citizens who have long sought shelter here, the ongoing recession has forced hundreds of newly homeless Americans to seek refuge among the library’s shelves,” said bureau spokesman Mark Higgs, adding that a shantytown constructed by a Los Angeles overpass had recently been named its own school district. “The nonfiction section alone is in desperate need of a representative voice in the U.S. Congress.” Though the new district has not yet been certified by the state, several leading candidates have already emerged on a more-toilet-paper-in-the-ladies’-room platform.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/census-finds-enough-homeless-people-living-in-publ,18701/

Son:  Dad, you want to know what I said before I licked the Dog’s nose?
Dad:  You licked the Dog’s nose?
Son:  Yeah, I guess it was a gap in my vast reserves of common sense.
Dad:  A gap?
Son:  Like an air pocket in a frozen lake.
Dad:  So what did you say?
Son:  I’m probably going to regret this in the morning.

ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as “the last straw,” Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon’s IT coordinator Monday. “We gave him his first warning after the whole Iraq and Afghanistan war diaries thing, and strike two was when he forwarded that video montage of Nicolas Cage yelling to the entire staff,” Defense Department human resources director Curtis Shannon said. “But we just can’t overlook this latest offense. Even if he’s the only one who knows where the spare USB cables are.” At press time, Assange had already been invited to interview for an IT position at the Central Intelligence Agency.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/julian-assange-fired-from-it-job-at-pentagon,18572/