WASHINGTON—The U.S. Supreme Court announced Monday that it would have to review two weeks’ worth of procedure after determining it had mistakenly based its last three rulings on a copy of the Belgian constitution left in the justices’ chambers. “When I presented my case on legal citizenship status under proposed changes to immigration law, I wondered why they said my argument was in direct opposition to the parliamentary rights of the Walloons,” said lawyer Hector Martinez, who argued before the court last week. “In light of this information, I think their denying my case based on a precedent set by the Duke of Beaufort in 1782 is null and void.” Martinez has appealed his case, but is still awaiting confirmation of his audience with His Majesty Albert II.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-mistakenly-used-belgiums-constitutio,18861/

WASHINGTON—As the standoff between Ivory Coast’s defiant incumbent president and its president-elect continued into its seventh week, American media experts warned Tuesday that the tense political showdown could escalate into a full-scale news blurb. “We’re looking at an extremely volatile situation that, if it isn’t defused quickly and carefully, has the potential to explode into 100 to 150 words of news copy,” said Joseph Durand of the Center for Media and Public Affairs, who noted that the BBC was already reporting sporadic sound bites being fired off by both sides. “In a worst-case scenario, we could see cross-border destabilization that spills over into a fifth or possibly even sixth sentence.” In spite of the threat of a massive international armed conflict, U.S. media leaders vowed not to deploy American journalists to the unstable region unless a full-blown article broke out in nearby oil-rich Nigeria.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/standoff-in-ivory-coast-threatens-to-boil-over-int,18813/

WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the economy and promote job growth, representatives from the newly revived Works Progress Administration announced Thursday their plan to dismantle, piece by piece, the 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete forming the Hoover Dam, and then immediately rebuild it. “This is a vital initiative,” said WPA director Ted Doogan, who was appointed last week. “Systematically tearing down such a massive edifice will create at least 25,000 jobs over the next five years. And then reassembling it, using all the same pieces in the exact same configuration, will employ another 25,000 workers. America is back.” Other public works projects currently underway include the bulldozing of libraries, the burning of national forests, and the defacing of public murals, which will be followed by a massive plan to rebuild libraries, revive national forests, and repaint public murals.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/revamped-wpa-to-create-50000-new-jobs-by-disassemb,18727/