CHICOPEE, MA—Recalling that the sight of his bride barely weakened his knees as he stood waiting at the altar, local newlywed Aaron Kraus admitted to reporters Thursday that his wife could have looked a little bit more radiant on their wedding day last weekend. “I’ll be honest, when I first saw her enter the church with her father, I was slightly let down by just how little she was glowing,” said Kraus, adding that, while still looking quite beautiful as she glided down the aisle, his bride-to-be probably only lit up half the room at most. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a very attractive girl, but last Saturday I wouldn’t say she was truly breathtaking. I mean, I’d be lying if I said she hasn’t looked more stunning on probably a dozen other occasions.” Kraus went on to say that, while disappointing, his bride’s underwhelming appearance scarcely caused him to reconsider marrying her at all.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/groom-admits-bride-could-have-looked-a-bit-more-ra,37327/

SEATTLE—Following an interview this morning during which job applicant Joshua Meyer described his admiration for the way Incite Analytics integrates a creative mindset with a business-minded approach, sources within the local marketing firm said they were “completely blown away” by the prospective employee’s extensive knowledge of the company’s “About Us” webpage. “I have to say, Joshua seemed to have a really firm handle on our values and goals as a company,” said human resources manager Rebecca Clifton, admitting that she was also “pretty floored” by Meyer’s ability to name the exact year the firm was founded and where its original headquarters were located. “He referred to us as a pioneer in the digital marketing industry and was aware that we help our clients maximize opportunities in a changing media landscape. He even knew about our core partnerships with market leaders like Acquia and Target. All around, he’s a pretty remarkable candidate who really seems to understand what we do here.” Clifton added that Meyer further managed to “knock her socks off” by providing short biographies of each member of the company’s executive leadership team.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/job-applicant-blows-away-interviewer-with-intimate,37296/

CLEVELAND—Admitting that the grueling three-month-long shooting schedule takes a significant mental and physical toll on all 30 teams across the country, Cleveland Cavaliers power forward LeBron James expressed his relief Tuesday at having finally finished filming the 2014-15 NBA season. “Taping all 82 regular season games and the playoffs over just 12 weeks is definitely a grind, so we’re all really looking forward to some time off,” said James, adding that, because games are not filmed chronologically, the Cavaliers spent over a month on location playing each of their away series before returning to Cleveland to complete the remaining half of their season. “It gets pretty tiring, especially because on Fridays we always film two home games back-to-back in order to reduce costs. That said, I don’t want to reveal too much, but they just wrapped the last game of the NBA Finals last night, and I think this will go down as one of the best seasons the league has ever put out. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction when they watch it.” While refusing to comment on speculation regarding specific games or series, James did hint that NBA fans will “really enjoy” the way Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant’s season ends.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lebron-james-relieved-to-finish-filming-nba-season,37306/

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun operating daily whale ramming tours.