CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson.

BERKELEY, CA—Citing compelling fossil evidence that the prehistoric species died suddenly and treacherously, paleontologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Monday that dinosaurs were almost certainly killed by someone they trusted. “Our findings indicate that someone, we don’t know who, spent at least 150 million years gaining the confidence of dinosaurs before abruptly betraying them and taking their lives near the end of the Cretaceous Era,” said lead researcher Professor Janet Bower, adding that dinosaurs likely had an innately innocent and unsuspecting nature that this individual could exploit to get within easy striking distance. “The distribution and condition of dinosaur bones strongly suggests that these creatures died without a struggle and that they had been caught totally off-guard by an individual they naively considered a friend. Those that had time to regard their killer were no doubt absolutely shocked.” Bower went on to suggest that if the mightiest creatures to walk the face of the earth could be wiped out by letting someone get close to them, humanity could too.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/paleontologists-determine-dinosaurs-were-killed-by,37468/

WASHINGTON—In an effort to control the spread of a significant health threat, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention quarantined the Pacific Ocean Monday after the body of water reportedly came into contact with Carnival’s Crown Princess cruise ship. “This morning at 10:05 a.m., we confirmed direct exposure between the Pacific Ocean and a Carnival cruise liner, and we took immediate action to confine all 63.8 million square miles of its water,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that crews were erecting a biohazard tent over the area spanning from Tokyo Bay to the Los Angeles coastline. “The movement of all sea life will be highly restricted while the Pacific Ocean is closed off for a full 30-day monitoring period, during which time health officials will inspect the marine expanse for symptoms of any Carnival Cruise-based contagion.” Frieden expressed relief that officials had fortunately prepared for this possibility and caught the outbreak before any infected waves reached the shore.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/pacific-ocean-quarantined-after-contact-with-carni,37469/

SPOKANE, WA—Confirming that almost any aspect of his life could conceivably push him over the edge, local man Matthew Thurston told reporters Friday that he is sort of curious as to what his last straw is going to be. “I wonder if my breaking point is going to be an incident with my family, some disagreement with my coworkers, or maybe a run-in with a total stranger—it’s really anyone’s guess,” said Thurston, adding that, for all he knew, he might come completely apart for as trivial a reason as misunderstanding the tone of an email or unsatisfactory service at a restaurant. “There are just so many possibilities. My wife could leave me, I might get fired. Maybe someone cuts me off in traffic, and I just snap. It’s pretty much impossible for me to narrow it down.” Thurston went on to say that he also occasionally wondered if, when the time came, he was going to freak out or just quietly fall to pieces.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-sort-of-curious-what-his-last-straw-is-going-t,37455/

SLATSBURY, OH—Sharing tender smiles with each other as they recounted the story they will one day tell their grandchildren, sweethearts Beth Adelwright and Jason Knelberg told reporters Friday how they met underneath the same small table during an active shooter lockdown at their high school.

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Having found himself without others to interact with at a house party Wednesday, guest Ben Weaver reportedly attempted to enter a conversation by spending a few minutes just smiling and nodding at the edge of a circle of people. “Uh-huh,” said Weaver after gently nudging himself into a small gap between two members of the group and patiently making eye contact with each person who spoke in hopes of being drawn into the discussion. “Yeah, yeah.” After he went largely ignored, sources confirmed Weaver quietly backed away from the group and repeated the process with three other clusters of partygoers before going home.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-trying-to-enter-conversation-spends-few-minute,37428/

WASHINGTON—Stressing that current efforts to safeguard the boundary do not go far enough, Congress approved a landmark bill Wednesday that will deploy armed patrols along the U.S. poverty line. “At present, the border between the impoverished and the relatively well-off is not fully secure, but this legislation will ensure that we have the security forces and equipment we need to deter anyone living below this boundary from crossing into the middle class,” said the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), noting that the measure will position heavily armed personnel along the full length of the poverty line, which extends through numerous inner cities, across Appalachia, and over the entire breadth of the country. “The fact is that the people who live below this boundary are desperate, often lawless individuals who want the freedoms and opportunities that we have on our side of the border, and they will do anything to get here. This measure will finally provide agents with the resources they need to stem these unwanted intrusions into our territory by using intimidation, threats of incarceration, or force if necessary.” Ryan added that he would be open to further fortifying the poverty line, citing the success of the impenetrable wall that the U.S. has built along its upper boundary between the middle class and the rich.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-passes-bill-to-add-armed-patrol-to-us-pov,37431/