PARIS—Citing the immense crowds gathered at rallies in Paris and scores of other cities across the globe, sources confirmed Sunday that the world has united in its common desire to have a little more time between terrorist attacks. “Today, citizens from every corner of the world have come together in a spirit of solidarity to call for a slight increase in the number of days separating one deadly act of terrorism from the next,” said French president Francois Hollande at a massive rally in his nation’s capital, giving voice to a sentiment felt by billions of individuals throughout the world with his declaration that, while an entire month without the ideologically driven murder of innocent civilians would be preferable, a respite of a mere week would definitely be appreciated at this point. “Though we certainly don’t expect to go a full year without this type of thing happening again, all of us stand as one in our belief that it would be nice to stretch out the downtime for at least a little longer than we’ve been experiencing lately. Honestly, even having 48 hours without a shocking act of violence in the name of some political or religious cause would be something we could work with.” At press time, the world’s citizens decided to simply try and get the most out of this lull while it lasts.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/world-unites-in-desire-to-have-a-little-more-time,37731/

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt a duty to reveal what truly transpired on September 11, 2001, numerous high-ranking federal officials announced publicly Tuesday that the United States government was responsible for destroying just the North Tower of the World Trade Center.