NEW YORK—In an effort to modernize the ancient ethics pledge, officials from the American Medical Association announced Tuesday an update to the Hippocratic Oath that includes a vow of loyalty to national health insurance giant Blue Cross Blue Shield. “This newly revised pledge requires doctors to uphold their allegiance to Blue Cross Blue Shield, to avoid pricey tests and referrals whenever possible, and to do no harm to any in-network patient so far as it remains sufficiently cost-effective,” said AMA spokesperson Amanda Cummings, noting a further addition to the professional oath that obligates doctors to enforce all co-pays and coinsurance payments. “The updated text also requires physicians to have a comprehensive working knowledge of their specific financial agreement with Blue Cross Blue Shield. And above all, a doctor must, at all times, avoid inflicting any injury or wrong upon the company’s bottom line.” Officials added that the new pledge would no longer require doctors to swear by “Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius the surgeon, and likewise Hygeia and Panacea,” but rather by Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hippocratic-oath-updated-to-include-vow-of-loyalty,37628/

WASHINGTON—Warning that it would be reckless to release the full findings to the general public, critics in Washington condemned the Senate’s 480-page report detailing the CIA’s interrogation tactics Tuesday, saying it puts the country at considerable risk of transparency. “Publishing the results of this five-year investigation is an extremely hazardous move, as it gravely jeopardizes our country’s ability to obscure and cover up human rights abuses that may or may not have occurred following 9/11,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), adding that the report’s graphic details about the alleged use of torture on suspected al-Qaeda detainees would embolden the government’s opponents and could likely lead to widespread clarity and accountability. “It is a risky proposition by the members of the Senate to make this information available, one which could potentially incite openness and communication about the CIA’s use of waterboarding and other so-called enhanced interrogation techniques on illegally detained prisoners during the War on Terror.” Critics claimed the report also puts many American political lives at risk by acknowledging specific government figures’ failure to secure any worthwhile, actionable intelligence information from such techniques.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/critics-worried-new-cia-report-puts-us-at-consider,37637/

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this week. “Our bold new Road Bucket is exactly what KFC and Midas fans have been waiting for, with 10 pieces of chicken, your choice of two sides, and four biscuits served on a corrosion-resistant aluminized steel muffler, all for the special low price of $19.99,” said KFC marketing director Mike Wesley, who described the exhaust-system-based meal deal as a natural extension for both companies, explaining that Midas’ expert vehicle repair and KFC’s Southern-inspired fare are both synonymous with quality, affordability, and convenience. “Or customers can upgrade to the Colonel’s Highway Bucket for an additional $10, which includes twice the food served in an all-season radial tire, plus a 64-ounce coolant reservoir of Pepsi.” The Midas tie-in reportedly comes one year after KFC teamed up with Aquafresh on a short-lived line of Original Recipe and Extra Crispy toothpaste.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/kfc-midas-team-up-for-muchanticipated-crossover-me,37609/