WASHINGTON—Calling it the next great milestone in mankind’s journey into outer space, NASA officials boldly declared in a press conference Friday that a mass shooting would occur on the moon no later than 2055.
The panel of NASA administrators and scientists said that, given the current rate of progress in research and development, the space agency was on track to place a deranged gun-toting madman on the moon by the middle of this century, with officials expressing confidence that a double-digit body count on the lunar surface would be a reality within the majority of Americans’ lifetimes.
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks. “I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly. “Just fire up MS-DOS, enter ‘A:\>dir *.exe’ into the command line, and then follow the instructions to install the Obamacare batch files—it should only take four or five hours at the most. You can press F1 for help if you run into any problems. And be sure your monitor’s screen resolution is at 320 x 200 or it might not display properly.” Obama added that the federal government hopes to have a six–CD-ROM version of the program available by 2016.
YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY — National Park Service rangers worked in conjunction with the Army Corps of Engineers today to cap off one of the nations beloved landmarks, “Old Faithful,” due to the current government shutdown and consequent furloughs.
Chief Mechanical Engineer, Col. Nathaniel Langford, who was in charge of the project noted that the costs associated with the undertaking was astronomical, costing taxpayers an estimated $20 million.
WASHINGTON—Following this month’s rollout of President Obama’s signature health care law, millions of uninsured citizens across the country praised the program for allowing them to become blindingly enraged at health insurance companies for the first time in their lives, sources confirmed. “I’ve been working two to three jobs without once qualifying for health insurance for as long as I can remember, and now for the first time ever, I’ll be able to fill out reams and reams of indecipherable forms and paperwork that will frustrate and anger me in ways I could never possibly imagine,” said Oregon man David Haddock, adding that he now has access to nearly 10 insurance companies that have staffs that will try to deny him benefits at every turn and make his life a living hell. “Come January 1, my wife and I will finally be unable to find a good doctor that’s in network, I’ll try to call our insurance provider to get an explanation, and then I’ll be on hold for an hour before I slam the phone down on the ground. It’ll be one of the happiest days of our lives.” At press time, Obamacare had already helped numerous citizens punch a hole in their computer monitors after the repeated failure of healthcare.gov.