DALLAS—In what is being hailed as its single most ambitious messaging campaign to date, the Susan G. Komen foundation announced Thursday it had launched its first deep space probe, part of an effort to bring increased breast cancer awareness to the farthest reaches of the galaxy.
DALLAS—Following news of a second confirmed case of Ebola in the city, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones assured local residents, as well as the nation at large, that AT&T Stadium is prepared to serve as the most spectacular Ebola quarantine center ever assembled. “Should a widespread outbreak occur, I am confident that Cowboys Stadium will be the most exciting and unforgettable triage unit in the history of modern medicine,” said Jones, confirming that all contaminated clothing will be properly incinerated in a jaw-dropping, 25-minute on-field fireworks show each night, and that patients will also be treated to a star-studded performance from a number of hazmat-suit-clad pop sensations. “Each of our 80,000 beds will have perfect sight lines to our state-of-the-art video board broadcasting live updates on the outside world, and of course we’ll also have several luxury wards available that will offer a full gourmet menu for those battling fatigue and blood loss. I look forward to showing the rest of the country that we do biohazard response just a little bit bigger down here in Texas.” Sources confirmed that parking spaces will remain at their current average price of $120.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/jerry-jones-vows-cowboys-stadium-will-be-most-spec,37188/ Bitter Concession Speeches The Only Things Americans Looking Forward To In Upcoming Midterms10/15/2014
WASHINGTON—Calling them the only things remotely worthwhile about next month’s elections, the American public confirmed Wednesday that the dozens of bitter concession speeches to be given by losing candidates are the sole aspect of the upcoming midterms they are looking forward to. “Honestly, all that matters is that I get to watch some defeated politician stiffly read some remarks and offer a totally disingenuous congratulations to the victor,” said Des Moines, IA, resident Lindsey Abbot, one of the millions of American voters whose only consolation on election night will reportedly be finding out who will lose their composure as they apologize for letting down their supporters. “I mean, the election would be a total waste of time if not for that moment when the candidate has to go out on stage and tell all the people who worked so hard for him that he failed and that their shared dream is suddenly gone. I really don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t look ahead to a bunch of people half-heartedly chanting their candidate’s name to make him feel better.” Abbot added that she could probably put up with elections every single year if it meant getting to watch a candidate’s wife force a smile over his shoulder.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bitter-concession-speeches-the-only-things-america,37192/
WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of being able to financially support their kids during one of the most significant periods in their lives, a growing number of parents are opting to put aside money for their children’s unemployment, a report published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution has revealed.
WASHINGTON—Expressing dissatisfaction with the current course the country is taking, voters across the nation told reporters Monday that they are eager to use next month’s midterm elections to help put the United States back on a different wrong track. “We’ve been going down the wrong path for the past few years, and now it’s time to get some new people in there who can lead our country astray in a different direction,” said North Carolina voter Lisa Berkland, adding that Washington D.C. needed an influx of new misguided politicians with their own terrible visions for the country to change the manner in which the nation is veering off course. “It will take a lot of work to turn the country around and ensure a different type of horrible future, but I believe there are candidates out there who have the awful principles and ideologies to march into Washington and do it.” According to recent polls, the majority of Americans believe they can have the biggest influence over changing the wrong direction of the country by not voting.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/voters-excited-to-use-midterms-to-put-country-back,37167/ LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sources confirmed. “Well, what do you know—he really was carrying a gun,” said officer Dustin Hayes, smiling upon finding a 9mm pistol on the body of the 23-year-old individual shortly after the policeman and his partner discharged their firearms a total of 19 times. “I honestly had no idea if he had a handgun, so it’s pretty great to find one right there tucked into his waistband. This makes the rest of our week a whole lot easier.” Officers said they were further relieved after discovering the man had a petty theft charge on his record, ensuring they were 100 percent off the hook. http://www.theonion.com/articles/police-pleasantly-surprised-to-learn-man-they-shot,37170/
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