MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the completely wrong things. “My receding hairline has gotten a lot more noticeable lately, and I feel like women are constantly staring at it,” said Markowitz, who consistently fixates on innocuous faults, from his slightly nasally voice to his mediocre penmanship, but never feels shame about his deep-rooted fear of commitment, the ease with which he grows angry, or how he always pushes to have things precisely his way in all situations. “I know I’m not always the most confident guy, but it isn’t easy when you’re my height. It gnaws at me that I could get more respect if I was a few inches taller.” At press time, Markowitz was reportedly fretting over his unimpressive-sounding job title, completely ignoring how he’s constantly belittling and abrasive to coworkers. http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-selfconscious-about-all-the-wrong-things,37135/
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday. “Do I stand here or do I have to go down there?” the thickheaded clod asked, taking a single hesitant step toward one end of the counter before pausing and thinking again. “I wonder if those people over there are in line or if they’re just waiting for their food. Hmm.” At press time, the lumbering halfwit could be seen walking in short semicircles around the restaurant as he struggled to figure out where to leave his tray. http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-oaf-not-sure-what-part-of-counter-you-order,37123/
LOS ALTOS, CA—Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday. “With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day. “The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.” Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see. http://www.theonion.com/articles/popular-new-exercise-app-just-tells-users-they-ran,37096/
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December 2016
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