DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats.
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Claiming that the 56-year-old’s desire for authentic Native American ceramics is insatiable, local Pueblo artisans confirmed Wednesday that they can’t keep pace with area mother Shelly Burke’s ravenous appetite for earthenware. “She’s just relentless—my entire inventory is down to pretty much nothing. How many bowls does this woman need?” said Sandia tribe pottery maker Teresa Otero, insisting that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to handcraft the number of clay pots necessary to satisfy the mother of three’s inexhaustible cravings. “She shows up several times a week, sees the pottery, says it’s adorable, and snaps up every piece we’ve got. It was one thing when she was just putting them in her living room, but now that she’s giving them away as gifts, we’re spread way too thin. Honestly, I haven’t seen my family in a week.” At press time, Otero reflexively tensed up as a visibly delighted Burke approached a table filled with ceramic storyteller dolls.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pueblo-indians-cant-keep-pace-with-area-moms-appet,37252/
MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instructions.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the measure is intended to protect politicians’ right to free expression against undue scrutiny from the general population, a new ruling implemented this week by the Federal Election Commission allows candidates running for public office to remain completely anonymous throughout the campaign process. “Candidates should be able to make themselves heard without having their identities, personal associations, and records on the issues exposed in the public eye,” said agency spokesperson Wayne Branson, adding that the new policy means congressional hopefuls can avoid being personally challenged on their agendas by opting to withhold their names and likenesses from all campaign material, television commercials, FEC filings, and public appearances. “The fact that political candidates are no longer under any obligation to disclose who they are will ensure a freer, more open electoral process. It is our belief that elections should be about ideas and plans for the country, not about who is saying them, what that person looks like, what their background might be, if they’re qualified, or what motives they might have.” Branson confirmed that elected candidates would then have the option to remain anonymous for the duration of their term.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-election-ruling-allows-candidates-to-remain-co,37238/ CORAL GABLES, FL—Saying that she had given the decision considerable thought, local high school senior Katie Simmons told reporters Monday that she would be applying to Bristol College, a school where her family had donated funds for a new 50,000-square-foot library. “There are so many great choices out there, but I feel like I should at least consider Bristol,” said the 17-year-old, noting that while she would like to go somewhere that has a strong academic reputation and a vibrant social scene, it couldn’t hurt to apply to the institution where her family handed over the largest single gift in the school’s history to construct a new state-of-the-art library and digital media center. “Bristol’s a pretty good school, and I could definitely picture myself there, so I guess there’s no harm in filling out the application, right?” Simmons added that she was keeping her options open by also applying to the school whose president plays golf with her dad once a month.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/after-careful-thought-teen-applies-to-college-wher,37222/ SAN FRANCISCO—Despite a long list of intractable character flaws, local account executive Jeremy Gorstal has coasted through the first 32 years of his existence solely on the benefit of the doubt, sources reported this week. “Jeremy’s hit a rough patch, but he’ll turn it around soon,” Allied Advertising sales director Alice Crenshaw rationalized to reporters Monday after Gorstal mistakenly deleted crucial company data, an incident that came one month after he was forgiven for forgetting his father’s birthday and just days after his girlfriend declined to break up with him because “he wants to change.” “I’ve always believed Jeremy has a lot of potential and that we should just give him a little latitude to adjust to his role, which I’m sure will happen in due time.” When reminded that Gorstal has accomplished almost nothing of merit, sources close to the man tentatively agreed, but suggested that he simply hasn’t been provided enough opportunities.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-coasting-through-life-entirely-benefit-doubt,37229/ |
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December 2016
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