DORAL, FL — Sources confirmed that Southern Command closed its doors today after failing to win the war on drugs for the billionth time since its inception in 1963. Although most of the blame was heaped onto its bastard son Joint Inter-Agency Task Forth South, SOUTHCOM accepted full responsibility.
“When Special Operations Command South contracted Dora the Explorer to infiltrate MS13, we knew we had jumped the shark as a component command. Don’t get me wrong, Dora’s Spanish language ability was top notch but she failed as a viable operator and we’re gonna miss her,” an unnamed source told The Duffel Blog.
According to a Government Accountability Office report, the one billionth loss was achieved January 19th, 2013, in the Lower East side of New York, N.Y. when Trent Dyson of the Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs copped an eight ball of cocaine for two hundred fifty dollars.
One GAO spokesman commented, “we counted every successful drug deal as a loss for SOUTHCOM. As for how we came up with the number one billion, we spitballed that if McDonald’s has served over one billion people then we could extrapolate with a certainty of plus or minus five percent that at least one or two billion drug deals have gone down in the lower forty eight in about that same time period. However, we did find an anomaly when there were no drugs available to the rest of the nation when Mercedes Benz Fashion Week and the MTV Music Awards fell on the same weekend in New York City.”
As he was leaving his office with a cardboard box laden with his personal effects SOUTHCOM Commander General Mosier exclaimed, “I think the Washington Generals beat the Harlem Globetrotters once or twice, am I right? It seemed like every time we felt like we were gaining ground on the drug traffickers they pulled the water bucket full of confetti trick on us. My office is full of that confetti!”
The General also made a startling discovery as he took down multiple plaques from his wall.
“Every every time I traveled down south, the Colombian government awarded me a huge plaque that weighed at least twenty pounds. I only found out today that they were loaded with black tar heroin, when I dropped one on my foot. I must have at least fifteen of those things.”
Mosier promptly resigned after thirty years of service with his last duty being that of a drug mule.
Speaking from his home in Key West, Florida, JIATF-S operations officer, Major Chip Morgan, spoke with deep adulation about SOUTHCOM’s mission successes.
“We seized payloads of dope before they hit the streets. Look at all those framed pictures on my wall of marijuana and cocaine bales sitting on a table. Anyway, how are we supposed to be successful at fighting drug dealers when you have bow tie wearing State Department officials telling Drug Enforcement agents how to do their jobs? There were so many agencies involved we couldn’t even figure out how to organize our phone directory. I blame the Coast Guard.”
JIATF-S Commanding Officer, Admiral Earl Septer said, “I always thought it was quite ironic that I could purchase an ounce of premium rock just two blocks away from our headquarters if I wanted to. I guess drugs sell themselves.”