YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY — National Park Service rangers worked in conjunction with the Army Corps of Engineers today to cap off one of the nations beloved landmarks, “Old Faithful,” due to the current government shutdown and consequent furloughs.
Chief Mechanical Engineer, Col. Nathaniel Langford, who was in charge of the project noted that the costs associated with the undertaking was astronomical, costing taxpayers an estimated $20 million.
Langford, who was absolutely perplexed by the idea in the first place, expressed a deep concern about the capping of Old Faithful.
“This has to be the most absolutely stupid idea anyone has ever conjured up,” he told reporters. “I don’t know exactly what will happen with all of the pressure build-up, but in laymen’s terms, this is about as smart as putting a butt plug up your ass as a means to stopping yourself from having explosive diarrhea.”
Many Americans wondered why in fact our National Parks were being closed to begin with noting that it should cost nothing at all for the Federal Government to allow people to experience such scenic wonders.
Timmy Goodman, spokesman for Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) was able to provide an explanation.
“Each day it costs the U.S. government upwards of $200,000 to heat, pump, pressurize, and discharge the water used to make Old Faithful to do its thing, whatever that is.” When it was explained that Old Faithful is a naturally occurring geyser, Goodman yelled “Roe v. Wade!” and ran away.
It appears that there are no National Parks that have fallen through the cracks of the shutdown, as a group of Boy Scouts who conducted a year’s worth of fundraising to make a trip to Mount Rushmore can attest.
Arthur Eldred, an Eagle Scout, was appalled when greeted with a gigantic shroud instead of the familiar faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln.
Eldred, who had made a “Scout’s Promise” to his pack that they would under any circumstance see the monument, took matters into his own hands by attempting to lift the shroud enough to allow other scouts to take a peek. Unfortunately they were met with 20 Department of Homeland Security agents, armed with AR-15 rifles trained on the scouts’ heads.
After a brief interrogation session, the scouts were placed on the terrorist watch list and permitted to leave.
At press time, the National Parks were beginning to reopen but the federal government was considering the idea of blocking and barricading national highways.