EDMOND, OK—Merrily describing the contrast in stature as “a giant next to a leprechaun,” members of the Copeland family Friday reportedly took the deepest delight in the nearly 9-inch height difference between Linda Copeland, 43, and her 14-year-old son, Alex. “Will you look at that beanpole? He just towers over her!” said Diane Copeland, whose jubilant observations of her sister and eldest nephew elicited laughter and claps of joy from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and younger siblings at a recent family gathering. “How’s the weather up there, bud? My God, just look at those two! Can you believe little ol’ Linda made that thing?” At press time, the family went silent as Diane joyfully pointed out the height difference between Alex and his father.
WASHINGTON—Describing the group as one of the most advanced and highly skilled special operations units in the world, sources within the Defense Department revealed Friday that the U.S. Navy had formed an elite new SEAL team dedicated solely to writing best-selling tell-all books.
SAN FRANCISCO—Days after the player was stretchered off the field during a game against the St. Louis Rams, sources confirmed Thursday that while the knee injury suffered by San Francisco 49ers backup safety Corey Matson will ultimately cause him chronic and excruciating pain for the rest of his life, it is thankfully not expected to end his season. “He suffered a bad sprain in his right knee on Sunday, but I’m happy to report that Corey will not require any surgery that would otherwise sideline him for the rest of the year,” team physician Timothy McAdams told reporters, referring to an injury that will lead to Matson experiencing persistent stabbing pains for the duration of his life whenever he bends his knee past a 45-degree angle and will eventually result in the development of early-onset osteoarthritis. “Given the nature of this type of injury, he should be able to return to action in four to six weeks. Though, truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him on the field earlier than that. He’s a fighter.” Reached for comment, Matson claimed to be fully prepared to “play through the pain,” thereby ensuring that the full extent of the damage to his knee will be permanent.
GAINESVILLE, FL—Warning about the dangers of prolonged exposure to toxic text, graphics, and videos, a study released Thursday by the University of Florida found that 83 percent of web content is wholly unfit for human consumption. “Our data showed that the vast majority of online material proved to be fetid, noxious, or otherwise detrimental to an individual’s well-being,” said the study’s lead researcher, Jenny Pridham, who recorded hundreds of extremely adverse reactions among adults who made direct contact with one or more pieces of entertainment news, lists, advertisements, or viral content. “Participants typically reported feeling mild irritation to severe discomfort and even intense nausea. The research determined that even content that may at first seem palatable is not good for you, as it often contains dangerous byproducts in the form of harmful autoplaying video and sponsored links to partner websites.” The study also revealed that zero percent of internet content was currently considered suitable for children and could lead to lifelong cognitive defects.
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite being overcome by a profound realization just minutes earlier that challenged his long-held beliefs and promised to forever alter his daily existence, sources confirmed that 42-year-old Thomas Wilson’s epiphany had fully worn off during his drive home Wednesday. The deeply affecting and eye-opening revelation, which in an instant had caused him to completely reassess his priorities, was reportedly pushed to the back of Wilson’s mind as he stopped to fill up his car with gas, fading to just a fraction of its initial impact moments later as he began listening to a podcast on his vehicle’s stereo system. According to reports, as Wilson shifted his focus to navigating road construction and merging onto a particularly busy stretch of highway, the last shred of his momentous eureka moment had nearly dissolved away. At press time, the life-changing insight was fully extinguished as Wilson walked in through his front door and discovered the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue waiting in his mail.
GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an office-wide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m. “If it helps them be efficient and get more done, I have no problem with people working remotely once they’ve left the office for the day,” said Avalon, who noted that as long as they’re doing their jobs, the location where his staff members choose to work between 6 p.m. and 9 a.m. is “completely up to them.” “That’s the kind of relaxed culture we strive to create here—one where you can even be working from your living room couch at two in the morning if you’d like.” Avalon added that since they don’t have to be in the office for any meetings, employees are free to work from home on weekends and holidays as well.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to raise awareness of the financial hardships faced every day by the nation’s defense establishment, Rep. Rob Wittman (R-VA) announced Tuesday that he would attempt to live for a full month on the $640 billion annual budget of the U.S. military.
LOS ANGELES—After lifting a wounded police detective onto a gurney and wheeling him out to the street, paramedics reportedly paused for 15 seconds before loading the man into the back of an awaiting ambulance Wednesday night while he exchanged a few words with the protagonist. “Looks like you’re a little late to the party,” the veteran detective said hoarsely, forcing a brief smile onto his face before descending into a fit of coughs. “Don’t worry, it’ll take a lot more than this to bring me down. See you back at the precinct, partner.” After the doors of the emergency vehicle shut behind the injured officer, sources confirmed that the protagonist, who remained standing in the street, was perfectly framed through one of the rear windows of the ambulance as it drove off down the road.