UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series. “Jon just got through a long and emotionally involved show, so I don’t understand why he’s so eager to settle into something new right away,” said friend Meredith Wagner, adding that Gember should take some time to decompress and reflect on the 92 episodes he enjoyed with Sons of Anarchy rather than immediately dive in with season one of The Shield. “He ended things with that old show earlier this week, but it sounds like he’s already caught up in this new one pretty bad. I keep telling him that he should slow things down, but he’s practically spending every waking minute with it.” Wagner added that she thought it would benefit Gember to hold off on becoming too invested in another serious television show and instead “play the field” for a while by enjoying a series of noncommittal, one-night movie viewings.
http://www.theonion.com/article/man-commits-new-tv-show-just-hours-after-getting-o-50488 NEW YORK—Saying he could vouch for the quality of every one of his company’s products, Eli Lilly pharmaceutical sales representative Geoffrey Klein reportedly assured a local primary care physician Thursday that he personally tries every single drug he promotes. “I’ve sampled each one of these, from the statins to the protease inhibitors, and I can honestly tell you that they’re all top-notch,” said Klein, adding that he only had positive things to say after trying out the osteoporosis medication Evista and the diabetes treatment Humulin. “Look, I popped a 100-milligram Seconal tablet a few hours ago before I came here, and I have to say, so far so good. And that one for pediatric growth disorders does a bang-up job. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” At press time, Klein reportedly admitted that he had tried Bristol-Myers Squibb’s cancer drug Sprycel and was underwhelmed.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pharmaceutical-rep-assures-doctor-he-personally-tr,38475/ DALLAS—Praising the organization for their refusal to turn their backs on those with a troubled past, the ACLU honored the Dallas Cowboys Wednesday for their ongoing efforts to reintegrate criminals back into the NFL. “We would like to recognize the Dallas Cowboys for their long history of providing an avenue to ex-convicts who are simply seeking a second chance at life as a professional football player,” said ACLU spokesman Carl Holmes, adding that, for over three decades, the team has helped those facing the stigma and legal constraints of a recent felony conviction find paying work as linebackers, offensive linemen, and wide receivers. “Too often, these men have been abandoned by society and left with nowhere to turn, but Jerry Jones and his organization have shown they are willing to take the lead and be that beacon of hope for them. The Cowboys have never been afraid to help those with a criminal history move on from their past mistakes and get back onto the field, and that is truly something special.” Holmes added that, without a group like the Cowboys, it is likely that many of the convicted felons would tragically end up either back in prison, dead, or on the Oakland Raiders. http://www.theonion.com/articles/dallas-cowboys-honored-for-helping-reintegrate-cri,38303/ |
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