I have a confession to make. I am an addict.
I didn’t think it was a problem. Of course, what addict does? You always think you’re fine and everything is under control. Always think you’re fine…until you hit rock bottom. That moment happened for me a few years ago. I finally realized my addiction was too great and that I couldn’t even pretend to be in control. That point came, and the only solution for me was a clean break. I had to stop, cold turkey, no looking back. It wasn’t easy, but with the help of my wife and the support of the kids, I was finally able to turn away from the temptation that had gripped my life for far too long.
Looking back now, it was so obvious how bad I was. I could barely get any work done. I’d set in my chair for hours, just staring mindlessly at the TV. Most nights came and went, and I’d spend my days at work like a zombie, until I could get home and get my next fix. Fortunately, I was able to stay sober at work, but my performance suffered, and it was obvious to everyone that my mind was somewhere else. It’s funny thinking about how much I felt in control during that time, but now I can see how out of control I really was. It almost feels like I was having an out-of-body experience or something.
The “clean break” worked. Well, for a while. It’s kind of like getting rid of sugar from your diet. Once it’s gone, it’s much easier to resist, but if you introduce it back in, even a little bit, it suddenly becomes harder to resist the urge for more. Maybe that’s what’s happening. I introduced just a little bit of “sugar” back into my diet, and now I’m finding it harder to resist. Of course, it makes sense that now I’m being tempted more than any other time of the year. The holidays are always tough. So much is demanded from you. So much is expected of you. You have to be in the holiday spirit, regardless of how you feel inside. It makes it so easy to want that “fix” and escape inside yourself.
It seems though that this time I’m able to recognize the addiction for what it is. Maybe it was what I went through a few years back. Maybe it was the withdrawal that cleared my head and made the temptation obvious for the control it had over me, because, although I’m feeling tempted, I somehow realize that something’s off. Something’s not quite right. And now maybe I’m trying to take back control before it goes too far.
They say the first step to overcoming addiction is to acknowledge it. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m acknowledging that I have an addiction by writing this here. Getting it out of my head, and into words. Words that can be read and spoken.
So here it goes.
I’m addicted to Hallmark movies!
There. I’ve said it. Now let the healing begin.
Just your average, self-abused futile worker.