BAGHDAD, IRAQ – United Nations weapons inspectors have confirmed the announcement on Monday by the Iraqi government that its soldiers had finally discovered Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction program, completely upending the history of the Iraq War, once viewed as a pointless quagmire but now seen as a tough but necessary conflict.
The New York Times became the latest news outlet to completely reverse itself on the invasion of Iraq, with an editorial now referring to it as “the greatest decision of the century.”
POSTON, AZ—Commemorating the internment during World War II of nearly 120,000 innocent Japanese-Americans, U.S. authorities this week reportedly tracked down and apprehended thousands of the now-elderly detention camp survivors for a 70th anniversary reunion.
Packing the onetime detainees into buses, armed guards forcibly returned them to their cramped, ramshackle barracks at the Poston War Relocation Center—just one of many sites across the country in which aging Japanese-Americans accused of nothing more than their ancestry have been given the chance to revisit a powerful, formative event from their pasts.
DORAL, FL — Sources confirmed that Southern Command closed its doors today after failing to win the war on drugs for the billionth time since its inception in 1963. Although most of the blame was heaped onto its bastard son Joint Inter-Agency Task Forth South, SOUTHCOM accepted full responsibility.
“When Special Operations Command South contracted Dora the Explorer to infiltrate MS13, we knew we had jumped the shark as a component command. Don’t get me wrong, Dora’s Spanish language ability was top notch but she failed as a viable operator and we’re gonna miss her,” an unnamed source told The Duffel Blog.
LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources within the organization revealed Tuesday. “We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.” Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes, he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the man’s face is blown off.
WASHINGTON—White House sources confirmed that after hearing a gentle tap on his window Thursday evening, President Barack Obama stepped out onto the Truman balcony to meet with the predator drone that appears outside his bedroom every night at 9 p.m. “Ah, there you are, old friend; almost thought you weren’t coming tonight,” the President reportedly said to the unmanned aerial vehicle before affectionately patting its antenna dome, telling the drone that it was “truly good” to see it, and asking about who it killed that day. “You’re the only one that gets me, the only one I trust. It’s just you and me from here on out, old pal. You’re my best friend in the whole world.” After leaning in, sharing a private joke with the remotely controlled vehicle, and laughing heartily, sources confirmed that the president said “Go get ’em!” and quietly watched the drone fly off into the night sky.
WASHINGTON—The CIA has announced that 231 agents were killed Wednesday during a sensitive and highly overt operation overseas, the deadliest incident to strike the agency’s Overt Ops program in nearly a month.
Speaking in a televised press conference this morning, acting CIA director Michael Morell said the agents were shot dead while attempting to infiltrate the government of Turkmenistan, part of a widely publicized program of U.S. espionage there, the details of which remain unclassified.
FOREST LAKE, MN—Responding to an ongoing humanitarian crisis, U.N. aid workers reportedly descended on a local KFC Wednesday to deliver much-needed food to the restaurant’s critically malnourished customers. “In all my years in the field, I’ve never come across a group of people who have gone so long without a proper meal,” said U.N. humanitarian affairs director Gloria Dominguez, confirming that aid workers had distributed whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and other vital nutrients to patrons of the KFC location. “We’re doing everything we can, but conditions on the ground here are desperate. In addition to their pervasive malnutrition, these people clearly don’t have access to suitable sanitary facilities, and the stench is almost unbearable. It really breaks your heart.” Dominguez noted that other U.N. aid operations in the area include a teen-pregnancy prevention program at a local Dairy Queen and a dysentery-outbreak clinic at a nearby White Castle.
SEFFNER, FL—Following a Florida man’s sudden death last week after his bedroom collapsed into a 20-foot-wide sinkhole, the possibility of a giant cavity in the earth opening up and swallowing your entire house has now reportedly been added to the list of things one must worry about on a day-to-day basis. “Well, on top of everything else, it looks as though I now have to be legitimately afraid of the earth itself suddenly consuming my house, my family, and everything I own,” said local man Jared Palmer, 38, who noted that his usual list of everyday financial, parenting, social, and mortality-based phobias was only compounded by the prospect of being helplessly sucked into a subterranean cavern. “Sure, why not? I already spend most of my day worrying about disease, home invasions, hurricanes, and car accidents. I could use a few hours to bat around the idea of the very ground beneath my feet eating me alive.” Urging the public to remain calm, government officials issued a statement indicating that while falling into a sinkhole and dying is indeed a possibility, the average American is far more likely to die from a lack of adequate health care, in an exchange of gunfire, or while in prison.