BY ROBERT BECKHUSEN
Forget everything you thought you knew about the Boston bombings. The real story behind the attack involves not a pair of radicalized brothers, but a world-spanning conspiracy of Michelle Obama, a network of Russian oligarchs, and an army of stagehands armed with fake blood. Oh, and deceased suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev? He was taken alive. Naked.
Of course all this is true, it’s on the internet. And the internet’s conspiracy theorists have been hard at work the past week revealing the hidden secrets behind the Boston Marathon bombings. The reason for all the complexity and machinations between the rich and powerful: it’s a necessary measure before imposing martial law in the United States. Boston was merely the catalyst.
Before you dismiss all this, ask yourself: can you prove the Boston bombings aren’t part of a plan to impose martial law? Didn’t think so. Asking our audience to disprove non-falsifiable claims is also an essential part of Tinfoil Tuesday, Danger Room’s sporadic venture into the delectable lunacy of online conspiracy theories. That sleight of hand involving the burden of proof are central to the conspiracy theories about Boston.
The Boston Marathon bombings have become a conspiratorial cornucopia. One video circulating the web purports to show a stripped Tamerlan being taken into custody, after he died. Other theories focused on Abdulrahman Ali Alharbi, a student and Saudi national who was injured in the bombing — and incorrectly reported by the New York Post to be a “potential” suspect. “Why was the investigation of a mysterious Saudi national with familial links to al-Qaeda suddenly dropped shortly after the Saudi ambassador held an unscheduled meeting with Barack Obama?” blogger Michael Snyder asked yesterday. “Why did Michelle Obama subsequently visit that mysterious Saudi national in the hospital?”
Maybe because Alharbi was never actually a suspect? But the Obamas – mysteriously – visited injured patients at several Boston-area hospitals on Thursday — something you’d never expect presidents and their spouses to do after a national tragedy. It’s merely the perfect cover for Michelle Obama to visit the Saudi national to discuss her sinister plans.
Nor was Michelle Obama the only one up to something shady. Blogger Daniel Hopsicker at Madcow Morning News — no relation to radio talk show host Erich “Mancow” Muller — named “Uncle” Ruslan Tsarni, the suspects’ uncle, as a member of the conspiracy. Tsarni’s accomplices? “Halliburton executives, suspected CIA assets, Chechnyan crime bosses, oligarchs stealing billions from banks and laundering money with seeming impunity, fire-eaters, peacock-feathered stilt-walkers, and a girl swinging on a trapeze pouring vodka into ice sculptures shaped like naked male and female torsos,” Hopsicker wrote.
It’s not clear what the swinging girl had to do with this. But none of their plans could have come to fruition were it not for the patsies on the ground on the day of the bombing. Blogger “Bman,” who writes “The Redneck’s Guide to Reversing Their Control of Your Brain,” speculated the traumatic leg injuries caused by the blasts were fake (warning: graphic), and the injured victims of the bombings were actors who dumped several liters of fake blood on the ground. “There is clear evidence of false flag staging here,” he wrote. (Ugh.) That theory was also picked up by online fans of alleged bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev — they claim he’s been framed.
Alternatively, according to Israeli conflict tabloid Debkafile, the Tsarnaev brothers carried out the attacks. They just weren’t meant to. They were “double agents,” Debkafile claimed, “hired by U.S. and Saudi intelligence to penetrate the Wahhabi jihadist networks which, helped by Saudi financial institutions, had spread across the restive Russian Caucasian.” But then something went wrong. “Instead, the two former Chechens betrayed their mission and went secretly over to the radical Islamist networks.”
That doesn’t jibe with Infowars, which has the dubious honor of being out in front of all Boston Marathon-related insanity. Last week, the king of conspiracy sites flirted with the purported Saudi connection in the days after the bombing, but switched gears once the Tsarnaev brothers had their identities revealed. According to Infowars, Tamerlan Tsarnaev was a “false flag asset” in the employ of the government. “This is what fully fledged martial law in America looks like,” Steve Watson wrote. According to Infowars’ Kurt Nimmo, the purported Saudi link is now “part of the establishment’s plan to ramp up and extend the phony war on Muslim terror.”
So a conspiracy theory is itself part of the conspiracy? Laugh if you want. But if true, it means there are conspiracy theorists out there who may not be as trustworthy as they seem. Perish the thought.