Secret Spy Satellite Lost In Space

Have you ever heard the question, "Can you keep a secret?" Well apparently the government isn't very good at keeping them. Just this week I read a story about the launch of a new secret spy satellite. Don't they know the enemies can read English?

​SpaceX successfully launches secret satellite after weeks-long delay

​Elon Musk's SpaceX successfully launched a Falcon 9 rocket with a secret government payload into orbit Sunday night from Cape Canaveral, Fla. Few details have been released about the classified mission, known as Zuma, other than it includes a satellite built by Northrop Grumman Corp. NOC, +0.38% . The launch was originally scheduled for late November, but was repeatedly delayed. The reusable rocket landed about seven minutes after liftoff, SpaceX said.

MarketWatch​ | Archive

SpaceX Launches Secret Zuma Mission for US Government, Lands Rocket

SpaceX lofted the super-secret Zuma spacecraft for the U.S. government tonight (Jan. 7), successfully executing a mission that also featured yet another landing by the first stage of the company's Falcon 9 rocket.

Space.com | Archive

Boy, a lot sure has changed since the end of the Cold War. Spy's just can't keep secrets like they used to. I mean, the fact that we're even reading about the launch of this satellite is a big no, no. Somebody needs to go back and take Espionage 101. You don't tell the public you're launching a Secret Spy Satellite. The enemies could be reading!

Seriously, does it strike anyone else weird that we're reading about this. Not only do we know about this secret payload, but in this realm of pseudo-secrecy we know the payload's code name: Zuma.

Here's What We Know About the Secret Zuma Payload SpaceX Is Launching

SpaceX plans to launch a secret payload known as Zuma on Thursday evening (Nov. 16), from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station in Florida. 

And when I say secret, I mean secret; everybody involved with the mission is pretty tight-lipped about it. Here's a brief rundown of what we know. (Spoiler alert: It isn't much.)

Zuma is a U.S. government payload

Aerospace and defense company Northrop Grumman has confirmed that it procured Zuma's launch atop a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket for the U.S. government. But it's unclear which agency is in charge of the Zuma project.

Such secrecy is atypical, even if Zuma happens to be a sensitive national-security satellite. (And we don't know that it is; Northrop Grumman has simply described Zuma as a "restricted payload.")

Space.com | Archive

Atypical? Don't they men apathetic?

​Okay, just so we're on the same page here, let me share with you the definition of the word "secret".

​Definition of secret
1 a : kept from knowledge or view : hidden
b : marked by the habit of discretion : closemouthed
c : working with hidden aims or methods : undercover a secret agent
d : not acknowledged : unavowed a secret bride
e : conducted in secret a secret trial
2 : remote from human frequentation or notice : secluded
3 : revealed only to the initiated : esoteric
4 : designed to elude observation or detection a secret panel
5 : containing information whose unauthorized disclosure could endanger national security — compare confidential, top secret

Merriam-Webster | Archive

Don't you get it people? It's not a "secret" if we know about it. Regardless of what we know about it. But apparently definitions have all changed since the end of the cold war, or something. We're a kinder, gentler government now. Sure, we've got secrets, but we'll be happy to share them with you. I mean, this is a democracy after all; ruled BY THE PEOPLE. Right?

Well, I may be making a mountain out of mole hill. It doesn't matter if we know about this secret government spy satellite, apparently it's been destroyed.

U.S. spy satellite believed destroyed after failing to reach orbit: officials

​WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A U.S. spy satellite that was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, aboard a SpaceX rocket on Sunday failed to reach orbit and is assumed to be a total loss, two U.S. officials briefed on the mission said on Monday.

The classified intelligence satellite, built by Northrop Grumman Corp, failed to separate from the second stage of the Falcon 9 rocket and is assumed to have broken up or plunged into the sea, said the two officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Reuters | Archive

Whew, that was a close one folks. Our secrets are still safe. We don't have to worry about the enemies trying to look for our secret spy satellite, since it doesn't exist anymore. I sure hope SpaceX has insurance. They don't seem to be very good at this rocket stuff.

Imagine if we had a secret spy satellite successfully reach orbit, and EVERYONE knew about it. That wouldn't be a very good secret, would it?